Trump Announces Candidacy For Nation's Retribution, A Role He Notes Has Sat Unfilled For Far Too Long

The Filing

NATIONAL HARBOR, Md. Addressing thousands of conservative activists at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Saturday, former President Donald Trump formally announced that he would personally serve as the nation's retribution, a position he characterized as having gone unfilled for far too long.

"In 2016, I declared I am your voice," Trump told the crowd at the Gaylord National Resort. "Today I add: I am your warrior. I am your justice, and for those who have been wronged and betrayed, I am your retribution." Attendees, who had assembled to discuss the grave danger posed by an overreaching and vengeful federal government, greeted the offer of one additional vengeful federal official with a standing ovation.

In the same address, Trump pledged to "totally obliterate the deep state," a sprawling apparatus of unelected officials whose defining characteristic, observers noted, is its tendency to investigate Donald Trump. Aides clarified that the candidate's plan to dismantle the federal workforce and replace it with people personally loyal to him should not be confused with the deep state, which is bad.

Trump further reassured the audience that he would remain the nation's retribution even in the event of a criminal indictment, telling reporters he "wouldn't even think of leaving" the race. The pledge addressed lingering concerns that the felony charges he was facing might somehow interfere with his ability to obtain the federal power necessary to address the felony charges he was facing.

"He saw a need and he stepped up," said one figure close to the former president, describing the decision to become the country's vengeance as fundamentally selfless. "Most people, when they feel wronged and betrayed, just sit there feeling wronged and betrayed. Donald is offering to feel it on a national scale, with subpoena power." Conference attendees ratified the arrangement hours later, awarding Trump 62 percent of the CPAC straw poll, more than three times the share of his nearest rival, in what organizers called a clear mandate for one man's grievances to be professionalized and given an office.

At press time, Trump had assured supporters that the retribution would be directed exclusively at their enemies, a category he was confident would expand naturally to include anyone who declined to support the retribution.

Who Benefits

§Donald Trump, who converted a personal sense of grievance into a national platform, a fundraising engine, and a 62 percent straw-poll mandate, while pre-justifying his continued candidacy against the very prosecutions targeting him.
§CPAC and Matt Schlapp, whose conference reclaimed national relevance by serving as the launchpad for the retribution rollout and the straw poll that crowned it.
§Future Schedule F appointees and loyalists, who stand to fill the thousands of federal positions that would open once the existing career civil servants are, as promised, obliterated.
§The Trump small-dollar fundraising operation, which monetizes each newly identified enemy, ensuring the supply of retribution targets and the supply of donation prompts grow in tandem.
§Right-wing media and the outrage economy, which gained a perpetual content engine in a candidate whose list of people to be avenged against is structurally guaranteed never to stop growing.

Sourced to the public record · presented without editorial embellishment